"What Kind of Life Am I Giving My Other Kids?"

A psychologist once told me that raising PDA kids was "The Parenting Olympics," and I think most caregivers would agree. Parenting a kid with a hyper-sensitive stress response means living in a constant state of flexibility, adjustment, and sometimes... chaos. 

When caregivers pour so much energy into helping their PDA kids feel safe and supported, it's common to look at neurotypical or non-PDA siblings and feel a wave of guilt. Are they missing out on a "normal" childhood? Are the constant accommodations and explosions shaping them in harmful ways? 

1. Name the Guilt but Don't Let it Rule

It’s natural to feel guilty when one kid's needs occupy so much of your time and energy. But guilt often carries the unspoken assumption that if you were a better parent, things would look different. The truth is, you didn’t choose PDA, and your kids didn’t either. You’re not failing; you’re responding to the reality in front of you with as much love and creativity as you can. Naming that helps soften the guilt: “This is hard. Not because I’m doing something wrong, but because my kid has very high needs.”

2. Look at the Strengths

Neurotypical (or non-PDA) siblings in families like ours often develop traits that aren't easily taught in other contexts. Things like flexibility, empathy, problem-solving, humor, and resilience. Their childhood is different, but that doesn't mean it's ruined or lesser.

3. Reassuring Your Kids

Kids don’t need you to promise them perfection; they need to feel seen and valued. Reassurance can sound like:

• “I know this is really hard. None of it is your fault.”
• “You matter to me just as much as your sibling.”
• “I see how patient and loving you are to your sister."
• "I love spending time alone with you.”

Small, consistent reminders of their importance carry more weight than occasional big gestures.

4. Coping as a Parent

A few practices can help you hold onto steadiness when the guilt flares:

• One-on-one time: It doesn’t have to be big. Even 10–15 minutes of undivided attention (a board game, bedtime chat, or walk) can help siblings feel seen.
• Perspective check: Remind yourself that every family has its challenges. Illness, finances, divorce, etc. Your kids are not uniquely “robbed” of a childhood; they are having a childhood shaped by their family’s reality.
• Community: Talking with other parents in similar situations normalizes the guilt and the grief, and helps you hold compassion for yourself. (Join us in The Connection Collective to be in community with other caregivers who actually get it!)

5. A Grounding Reframe

Instead of “My neurotypical kid's childhood is damaged because of PDA chaos,” you might hold:
“My kid's childhood is being shaped in unique ways. I can’t remove every challenge, but I can make sure they feel loved, important, and safe.”

That’s what kids remember most. Not whether their childhood was calm and neat, but whether they knew their parents were in their corner.